your man

 I follow Josh Turner on FB, just because I really like his songs, or rather especially did a long time ago when he first came out. Anyway, his second cd had the song "Your Man" on it. Today, they posted something in remembrance of it, and I found myself just thinking incredibly bitterly about it. 

Why isn't there someone who wants to be my man, in truth? I say that thinking of a few that I have turned down in the past, knowing that there is no future. For instance, Steve. Steve has been holding a candle for me for, I don't know, 15 years or so.  But, he's a republican who voted for trump, he's into guns, he is a grandfather already, because he had kids young and so did they. He only cares about people he likes which is few and far between. He does nothing but work. He has a good heart and truly loves those he does though.  There's just no spiritual connection, no inspiration to be better on either side. Should I settle for that? 

Thinking about it, in my relationship history, I have either been the "other woman" or the rebound. So there has never been a time where I was certain of where I stood, if the feelings that were felt for me in this moment would last into the next.  Though, I guess, no one ever really knows that. 

There's this one guy who lives not far from me, we met on a dating app probably 2 years ago, but never met. There has been adult conversation and pictures in the past, but he now has a significant other. But, he wants to meet now. I don't know why. But, I do know that he has been unable to get me out of his head this whole time.  I told him I'd be glad to meet him, because I would. But, I worry about what he has in mind, because I don't want to be the other woman again. 

It's as though, because I knew that I was the other woman with my first, because I knew that and still went along with it- consciously choosing wrong- my life and destiny as far as men have been concerned has been nothing but disaster. 

Such is my life.