Letting go

After weeks of feeling the pressure of anxiety, the confusion of why I was feeling that way, the days and nights of feeling lost- as inexplicable as it began, so it ended. But now I have the answers. Now I know why.
I let myself be ruled by the future. I left Florida with the anticipation of what was to come, I was going on an adventure! It was going to be great. Everything would fall into place, because I am me, and it always does, I have magical powers.  When the going got tough, the one I referred to as my unicorn came into being, and he helped me keep the joy in my life instead of succumbing to the pressures of working 80 hours a week, and training my children and the hundreds of interpersonal relationships that functioned on a daily basis.  But then as the time to leave got nearer and nearer, my focus kept going further and further into the future and anxiety started taking over slowly and stealthily. Then the pyramids I had started building in my head those plans for the future that would touch the clouds, they started crumbling. The foundations were still there, but the walls started falling, and those clouds that I was trying to reach- evaporated  as the storm passed though.  Suddenly I was left with nothing but the foundation so I stared at the foundation unable to picture what I should start to build on it again. So I left it alone.
During the crumble and collapse I arrived in Seattle. The universe stretched out its hand to me and reminded me of my magic in providing me in the moment with a place to stay and an immediate job. But, I didn't know what to do with it. Anything I tried to picture for my future seemed to be completely unrealistic. What was I doing, why was I here? What was the purpose of the magic I'd been reminded of.   I spiraled out of control until one night I broke. I shattered the illusion I was building for myself. The catalyst had nothing to do with my plans or future. It was merely the evidence that there are things outside of my control. So I wept for the ones that hurt, for the inevitable pain, and in the morning- my soul and mind were cleansed. At the time I didn't know why or how, I simply accepted the relief of the quiet mind.
Later that day as I'm sitting in the bookstore I glance to my right and see that a book I read recently is right next to me,  and there is another by the same author right next to it that I had never read. So I reached over and pulled it out and flipped through the index.  A chapter title grabbed my attention, so I skipped ahead to read it. He was discussing in length experiences I had had, and he attributed them to living in the future instead of moment by moment.  He attributed peace to living in the here and now, unconcerned with anything but the things that happen right now. As I read, I thought more and more on the subject. Things started going wrong when I started planning and building the pyramid, but the moments in which I stopped planning, and instead followed the magic of coincidence and prodding in the moment- those were where the peace was.
So in the days that followed, I am evermore at peace. My brain is quiet. It's not trying to solve problems that haven't happened yet. The structure that is built on this foundation has no blueprints, it will likely end up not looking like anything we've ever seen before, the physics of it likely will defy gravity. There are no clouds or stars to reach for, merely the experience of building the most wonky creation you've ever seen and the joy that comes with the process. I will continue to follow the magic that shows up, because it's the magic that will make this building defy the laws of physics.