You just have to laugh

Otherwise bitterness might set in. I am starting to realize the people in this town are not my people. I'm not saying they don't exist, but, the overwhelming majority of them are too open minded for me. When someone says they want a monogamous relationship, but follow it with,  having other people involved would be fun too- I'm pretty sure that no longer qualifies as monogamous.
The people tend to be very liberal, which I tend to be also- but mine falls under the category of live and let live. Not exploration of any and all possibilities.
I actually never knew, this whole time, that monogamy was dying out. I've lived in the south and Midwest too long, I guess. 

I deleted my match.com and other accounts that I was trying to meet people by using. I just  can't. It's exhausting. It's just been the same story time and again. I've been out with 5? guys, and all the same story and talked to dozens more that didn't make it past the initial screening.

I am realizing about myself that I really don't actually want a guy. The idea is nice. Having someone to cuddle up to is amazing. But in all practicality, I'm lost. Why would I try to find someone else to join me in that. If I had a direction and found someone heading in that same direction, that would be one thing-but floating aimlessly is another thing altogether.

I'm having so many thoughts these days. I'm in the middle of a huge post that's turning into quite the story. I thought it was merely going to be a couple paragraphs. But I also find myself numbing my mind with entertainment.  I haven't focused too much on the things I wanted to accomplish. I'm allowing myself to feel overwhelmed by life. It's as though I'm floating, but not peacefully. My mind is racing. The serenity that should be there is absent.

I am calm outwardly, but the internal zen is not yet achieved.

What is real? What is true? Where is my place? I'm not living in the past or in the future, but there is a general discontent over the present. As though it is stagnant.
I miss having direction. I miss having someone who understands. God damn. And I hate that it has affected me this much.