Falling apart

I do that from time to time. Mostly I am pretty even keel, but sometimes, I just feel so out of place and off kilter.
Tuesday night was that for me. I went to bible study as usual, I go not so much for the bible study, but for the community. I'm used to being on the outside of groups because I'm always the new person. Here I am not the new person, but I also am not so involved with the church as the rest of them.  I don't struggle with the same things they seem to struggle with. When I voice (or don't voice) the reasons I disagree, or would just look at things differently, I feel like a heretic. I just don't view Christianity and living the Christian life the same as most Christians.
Christians are always focused on guilt. They feel guilty for "sinning" which they perceive themselves to do alot. I'm convinced that that is not Jesus' way.
If we are extensions of God as Christians, if we choose to live listening to the Spirit, then stop worry about what you're doing/not doing just BE. Remember when Jesus says to be as little children? You know how kids don't fret about doing something wrong, they just do stuff?  They succeed or fail, no big deal. You remember how Jesus spoke the parable of the 10 talents, how the couple of them took the talents and improved them to twice as many, but the one freaked out and didn't do anything with it because he was scared.
You've got to stop worrying about sin. If you worry about sin it's going to be your only focus and you're going to get caught in a rut of guilt existing only in your own mind.  Focus instead on seeing how God is using you. Focusing on that will free your mind from the guilt, you'll start to see what God sees in you instead of what the enemy wishes you to see because it traps you in a loop of ineffectiveness.
These are the things I think about during bible study. But, see it's such a change in the thinking that people don't/can't grasp it if they are too immersed. It's like the matrix. I feel like my thinking has changed so much, and that I don't always think that my time and the things I've learned are always at the right time and the right place for the people around me. We all learn things at different points in our journey. These precious people I hang out with I'm sure have things they've learned that I haven't yet, but sometimes I feel like an alien. Plus the fact I'm older than the majority of them, my growing up life experience has set me apart.  I still feel apart, like I'm there- but like it's a once a week friendship with the majority of them.
What am I looking for? Gosh, I couldn't even tell you. I guess I just lack, as always, that person or persons who appreciate the same things as me, at least to an extent.  That iron sharpening iron, I guess. The magic is missing overall. But, maybe I'm just not looking for it.
I don't know.

This is my life.

In other news, I was given a raise at the Ramada. $1 raise after 30days. Holy crap. This also is my life. God is magical to me.