....and the churnings of my soul at midnight

So much anxiety tonight over stuff absolutely uncontrollable by me. So it's pointless to be worked up about it, but I am.

 

 

So, here's one of the stories. When I moved, my friends Mike and Jen Miller were supposed to come say goodbye the day I left. We were pretty close at this point, they attended the majority of our family birthday gettogethers and stuff, but I hadn't seen them since probably December and this was March that I left... they ended up calling and saying they weren't going to make it because they ran out of time and had something (some music show in canton) that they were going to go to. I was really hurt by this, I was moving away and they couldn't even say goodbye. So I left, we were friends on facebook, but they never commented on anything I posted though they'd comment on other friends. So basically I had no idea what was going on. The whole time I was gone I heard nothing from them until my birthday when Jen posted a happy birthday on my wall. At that point I had no idea what to even say in response that's how badly I'd been hurt by all this. The next month was November, and I was home.

That first week after being home, who do I run into in starbucks- Jason Lantz. He saw me, and was so excited to see me... telling me I should come to church see what they'd changed and yada yada. I just told him straight up that I didn't think that that was something I was up for. That I'd been really hurt by him and everything that had happened with the Dueber house fiasco.

He was confused. So I told him that when I called and left him a message asking him to call me back, and him not returning the call.... not cool. Him relaying "sorry you're shit outa luck" through someone else, not cool. I reminded him how hard it had been for me to step into living in that community, committing myself.

He apologized profusely. (and wanted to make sure he didn't harm my relationship with God- sorry dude. You don't have that power. haha)

Anyway. I forgave him to his face- I was already over the whole situation.. but yeah. So riding high on the endorphins of forgiveness, I decided to go see Jen at her work (where I used to volunteer- the Alzheimer's Association). I ended up talking to her for about 2 and a half hours. Turns out the reason they hadn't come to say goodbye is that they were having marital issues and weren't telling anyone, and were having a hard time faking it, especially around me. So, me coming home at this point in time was a godsend (apparently). Somehow I am that person that people talk to and rely on. At this point it had been discovered that Mike has a sexual addiction stemming from being molested as a kid by his cousin/his parents getting a divorce and just drama. He thought getting married (10 years previous at this point) would solve this problem, but not so. Long story short, Jen had found that he was looking at pictures, not of strangers. She also knew that he wasn't telling her something, but wasn't sure what it was. Could I help get Mike to tell the truth?

Well- I did. The truth was that he had an affair. And it's destroying their marriage. There is a baby on the way, just to complicate matters further. Jen is due in April, their first.

Somehow I became the middle person. The counselor, and I hate it. Mike is now in real counseling, in sex addition rehab... and going to church and apparently is growing leaps and bounds in his relationship with God.
Jen on the other hand is burdened with "why now?" and so much bitterness. She is the second most kind sweet individuals I know. And I hate seeing this. So much pain.

I really want her to talk to Erin, just so she can talk to someone who has been through this and survived....

The other story is my friend Desiree. It's tragic. She's the number one kindest sweetest person I know. Just the gentlest of souls. She's now engaged to a douche. This guy treats her badly, and has gotten her pregnant (with twins...!) she told me the other day that he's changing. She wasn't feeling well one evening because of the morning sickness (all day) and even though it was her turn to do the dishes, he did them. I think that's the most retarded thing I've ever heard.

She came down to visit me in July, and apparently he wasn't happy about her coming down because she was away from him. She wasn't answering his every call/text message which were pretty frequent while on the trip, so he broke up with her (just found that out today). Obviously they got back together, but it just shows in part how obsessive/controlling he is. She just wants everyone to be happy and is happy to have someone love her, even though that is not what love should be. Because of all this- I finally made the effort to get to know him. (She had basically been keeping him away from all her friends because she knows he's not good for her in her heart of hearts, and he has made no effort to get to know her friends, which is very weird to me. But, also goes to show what kind of a person he is.) They are both coming over for dinner on Friday, and I don't know how it's going to go.

I just care so much. But there is not a thing I can do for either of them. At the same time, I feel the weight of the world and all the pain on my shoulders.

Another reason why I just want to escape and run back to my ocean where the sand and sun, waves and wind brush all the pain of the world to the insignificant place it should hold.

Those are the achings of my heart tonight.