sometimes

 Sometimes when it gets late and you're still awake, you find yourself thinking, and then not only thinking but then tears start streaming down your face.  And the question that you keep asking yourself is "Am I just nothing to them?"

My emotions have been a mess lately. I'm writing a novel that includes a love story, a negative and a positive, and because of that I've been thinking about my own love life to draw from. We all know what a disaster that's been. 

I waited a long time for my first. I was 28, he was my best friend and I was in love with him. I thought he was magic. But he wasn't nearly as into me as I was into him, and I knew that- there were always walls. A few months later, he found the one he's now married to.  He wanted me to be friends with her. He told her that he and I were just friends that there was nothing more. When she found out that there was more he called me one last time, angry at me that I had told our best friends that there was something going on with us in the months prior. I hadn't known that it was a secret. We have not spoken since. 3 years of friendship and more gone in a blink of an eye. 

My second relationship was over in 8 weeks, he said he wanted something long term, but just not with me. He was in a relationship with someone else a few weeks later, and they are engaged to be married. 

The third killed my soul, because it seemed fore ordained. There were so many coincidences in how we met, in how we started talking, in how we lived in the same place. So many things. He too was my best friend before we started anything. We talked about everything. He knew all there was to know about who I was and how I came to be that way. And then one day the switch got flipped. We tried to remain friends, but within a year that too had been shut off. He said some things, wouldn't let me respond and  shut me out completely.  He was supposed to be my best friend. 

The fourth was 5 years later. He was my best friend. He knew about everything that had broken me before. He knew all my hopes and dreams. He knew how I would respond even before I was given the chance. I was there for him in his ups and downs, every time he'd call- I'd be there. He came to me for comfort after bad break ups, things with his family, things with work. I was the steady person that he could count on.  Then he decided to take a chance on us.  Only to have that blow up in my face and our years of friendship gone in a blink of an eye again. 

How can I have such deep connections but for them to not think twice about never speaking to me again?  Am I just nothing to them?  How can that be?  When you share your soul with another human, allow them to see that deeply into you and vice versa- how can you just throw that away like garbage?
Why did they all find their happily ever after while they were with me?
Why am I nothing?