I have never been good at accepting compliments. I don't really know what to do with them. When I've made food- "Rebekkah, this is the best thing I've ever eaten." - "Yes, I know." :-p And then compliments on my appearance. "Gee, thanks." I just don't know what to do with them. I'm glad you like it, or like how I look, and I appreciate you telling me, it just somehow makes me uncomfortable and embarrassed. Maybe also I don't trust that it's genuine. I don't know. It feels pretty much the same as when Patrick would hit on me when he was drunk. Because he would never when he is sober, I couldn't believe him when he was drunk. This is probably also why I never date. They don't know who I am or why I am or how I am who I am, and they don't care... but they think I'm attractive. For me, I need to know who, why and how- my brain must line up with the rest of me.
I'm out of sorts today because of one of my children at work being a douche to me. Then my mom playing the mom card. I should be able to snap out of it, if I could just get out of my head and just be. It's so easy to get lost in scenarios, the past, and the future.
With my unicorn, some days there is a huge gap of 3000 miles and circumstances of different lives. Other days it's as though he's right beside me. Some days the things he doesn't say I will read between the lines and say for him. But other days, the things he doesn't say seem like an unreadable foreign language.
Words are what help me process. Words help me make pictures to help you experience my world. It's the only medium I know.
Time for work.
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