Home

I discovered yesterday, as I was thinking about where my angst lies. The truth of the matter is, I don't feel like I'm home. Every other time, when I have crossed over the bridge to this sandbar, it's always been with a big sigh of relief. I'm home, once again. Even if I were just coming to visit, it was still the same feeling.  But I have yet to feel at home here. Possibly because I'm staying with my sister. Possibly because it's winter here on the beach. I don't know exactly, the cause. I just know, that is the root of my problem.
So in that realization, the question arises, where is home? And, damnit, I have that answer also. But, I've been exiled. Now is the time to find a new home.  It's really weird how incredibly strong my soul got attached. I mean, really, it doesn't make sense. But at least now, I have a better understanding of why he can't. When you get that attached to someone, the idea of doing it again is ridiculous.
I think about the choice I made to abandon everything in Seattle, the guys that wanted to date me, the job offer I got at the last minute, the friendships I was starting to develop... I dropped them all, to follow the call. What if I had said, "no, wait until May". what if I had actually asked how long he'd been divorced?  What if I had questioned his ability to let me help him fight his wars? - But the thing was, he did let me at first. He wanted to share his burdens. He was excited about the possibility of magic.   There are always going to be the "What ifs".  But, herein lies the kicker. I have no regrets. Those months with him were the absolute best of my entire life, hands down. Today marks 1 month since I spent my last day and night with him. It feels like an eternity ago. The void I feel hasn't dissipated, I've simply built walls around it so that it doesn't leak out as much.
Ironically, we met and God was there. On our last day together we met a guy who claimed to be the devil. Delightful irony.
It's time to turn the page. The next chapter is coming.