I've been in a turmoil all week. I found out on Monday that my dad is no longer going to do the business up here. Instead, he feels like everything economy-wise is dead and dying around here. (Which is true... in some ways it is.) So, he feels like he just can't get excited about doing this business up here. So, in a matter of 2 weeks, his plan is to be down on the Outer Banks making a go of it. The mother and the kids will stay up here while he gets things going down there. He wants me to move down with them.
The reason this throws me for such a loop is that 1: I need my family, at this point in my life they are my core. 2: I really want to quit at Cracker Barrel and do something different and more rewarding money-wise. So I was really looking forward to doing this with my dad. 3: I've had the itch to move for the last 3 years or so. 4: I'm really excited about this community farm we're starting. 5: If I stay, I'll need to make more money then I am because I couldn't afford to go see the parents very often. Especially if gas prices go up as much as they say they're going to. 6: I like a couple of people that live here. :-) 7: My sister would still be here...
I just don't know what I'm going to do.
So amidst this turmoil of deciding and trying to hear God's voice from whatever medium He chooses to speak through... Brent (one of the pastors at my church) decided to ask me if I'd ever been baptized. No, I haven't. I was too young when we were part of a church, and since then we church hopped so much, it wasn't really an option. When I was younger, I really really wanted to get baptized. But now, I'm so untraditional about God stuff, that sometimes I even wonder if I should call myself a christian. Yes, I love Jesus and his teachings. But, besides that, I don't think it matters if he was born of a virgin. What if He was just a good man, in tune with God, does that make a difference to my faith? I don't really know the answers to these questions.
So, being baptized, it's a symbol, of dying to yourself and living anew- Christ within you living through you. Part of me rebels at it, because symbols are just symbols. It's the doing that counts.
I asked Ricky about it, and his reply totally turned on the lightbulb for me. He responded with baptism is like a wedding. You're together before and after, the ceremony just being the official commitment.
That totally makes sense.
I was talking to my mom about it yesterday, and I was telling her all of this. Her response was "How does God feel about you getting baptized?"
That response totally frustrated me. God doesn't care either way. Our relationship doesn't change one way or the other. Or, maybe it does. Maybe that's why this freaks me out so much. If it is like a wedding, and commitment.... I don't do things halfway. If I commit, I'm in for the long haul. I don't feel like I'd be committing to God, but to Christianity. Maybe that's where I'm going wrong. So that's where I'm at.
This muddled mess? That's what my thoughts are like. I live in a constant state of two sides at war, and trying to walk through in the middle, unwavering as both sides tug at me.
I heard something fabulous on Wednesday. But, I'll have to tell you more about that next time. Today is my dad's birthday, and I was just informed that they're headed up here soon. Got lots to do.
2 comments:
there are two reasons why its important to believe that jesus was born of a virgin.
1--because the bible says he was. and so if that's not true, it takes away credibility of the whole bible, of the whole religion, it makes god a liar...
2--the only people in history who didn't have to be saved were adam and eve. they weren't born. once sin entered the world, mankind was cursed with a "sin nature" and from then on, everyone was born with a sin nature and is totally depraved and can do no good from the second they enter the world. if jesus was conceived by man, then he was born with a sin nature. but jesus was without sin, without blemish. this is only possible if he was conceived by the holy spirit as the bible states.
But, Matt- the question is, is God limited to the Bible? If we were to dismiss the Bible does that make God any less? God doesn't lie, but do people lie? Did people make the Bible? Yes. We choose to say God spawned it, but why? Why is it so important that the Bible is true? Why can't it be a book that holds alot of history, that may or may not have been twisted to suit the purpose of the church.
Why are we supposed to be as sheep, brainless mindless sheep? That has been bothering me lately.
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