I feel like a vapor, here one minute and gone the next. It doesn't take long to disappear out of lives when you're no longer in constant contact. Since I've moved as much as I have throughout my life, it's always been a struggle to maintain friendships. Life moves on whether you're a part of it or not. You feel a sense of loss without certain people in your life, but you move on. There are 3 people that I will make the effort to hang out with in Ohio, 2 of which I stay in mediocre contact with, the other is less than that.
There is no one here that I will maintain any sort of in depth contact with, with the obvious exception of my family. I'm sure I'll keep up with my children on facebook or instagram, but besides that. My friends down in florida, there's 1. And then there's my friend out in Colorado. Strangely, that's it. What a weird superficial world we live in.
As I prepare to leave on Monday, I feel a sense of loss, but for what is undefinable. I'm glad to be going. I'm glad to have new adventures, and meet new and interesting people, and most of all, I'm glad for time to sit back and learn stuff that I haven't had time for. I'm most excited for bookstores, (which we have a distinct lack of here on the beach.)
The sense of loss may have to do with the wondering of identity- if I matter- if anyone feels the sense of loss at the lack of my presence like I feel with theirs.
I wonder if all the effort I put out is worth it.
"Losing love is like a window in your heart. Everyone sees you're blown apart. Everyone feels the wind blow." So today I feel like a vapor in the wind. Here one day and gone the next.
I've been working non-stop since Thursday, so my exhaustion level is way up there. I went to the store yesterday in between shifts and couldn't even force myself out of the car to go in. I put my seat back and slept in the parkinglot for two hours before making myself go in and grab what I needed before heading straight for work #2.
Tomorrow though, tomorrow is my full day off of work. I can't wait.
...I should clean my car tomorrow.. and finish packing.
Adventures await.
1 comment:
I know the feeling sweet one, that of loss and wondering. We, the travelers, are not the same as others that stay put and make friends both close and shallow and have gaggles of people to go have lunch with. But I have found that people like you and I simply have different connections than others. You may, or may not, meet just one amazing person on each adventure that is such a true connection that they remain in your life for years and years to come. We find sisters, closer at times than even our blood, who send love in little ways each day from across the miles and are there at any moment we need them, even if it is not in person. You learn to feel that love and that unbroken tie and be less lonely and less wondering, even though you will often sit alone in a busy cafe listening to chatty groups around you and not having anyone smile at you (yes that is where I am now). It begins to hurt less and less as moments in your life reconnect you at random to your far away dear ones. We will never know if the ones that fade away think fondly of us. You will, however, just with your thoughts, see the stars of those special few shining brighter each and every year in the vast sky of your adventurous life. You are loved.
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